I’ve been away for a while and felt I needed to explain why. The last couple of months… I could have really done without. I lost two members of my family within a matter of weeks. Losing a parent and a true friend put me into a place where I truly felt alone. Not lonely… really alone.
I had been working on a new book and it was coming along nicely, then my world fell apart and I couldn’t think straight, much less find the inspiration or motivation to write. It got so bad that I couldn’t even dress as I do. I spent the last couple of months in selfish depression – if that makes sense. I began going through the motions just trying to get through each day at work and at home hoping I wouldn’t find or notice something that reminded me of them, but no matter where I turned there was always something. A picture, a bowl and even the empty spot next to me in bed. It became so overwhelming I found myself falling asleep in the living room and refusing to go to the bedroom.
They say time heals all wounds. I don’t know if that’s true, but it does allow us to watch the visible scars close up. My stepmom had been sick for some time and while we didn’t talk much, since our falling out, she was a big part of my life and I do miss her. My pup was another story. I got her when she was six weeks old and she wasn’t even supposed to be my dog, but attached herself to me and that was all it took. It sounds weird, but I think I was more upset at her loss than my stepmom.
The last couple of days have been the most productive for me. The house has gone through a slight overhaul… well at least it’s cleaned up and I was able to put away some of the constant reminders. As I made it to my office, I sat and remembered the times I would look to my best friend for inspiration. She would come in with me and lay in her bed next to my desk for hours while I worked. At night, when I did most of my writing, she would jump up in my lap and lay there – never really looking to play or reach out for attention, just a nice silky soft place to lay her head.
I miss my pup, but she gave me 15 great years and I draw strength from her to get back at it. I spent the last 12 hours wearing out my keyboard… jotting down notes for the next stories I want to tell. I found myself looking to the empty bed when ever I got stuck and found the inspiration I needed.
Their memory also got me to resume my life – whether in tribute to them or in spite of their opinions of me. It was time to put away the sweats and jeans and pull out the lingerie and nylons and get back to what made me happy. I hope they both know they inspired me to be happy and I hope they can accept the choices I have made in that search for happiness.