Tag Archives: lgbt

Hate what you understand

Being in the closet, I am probably not the best person to have a viewpoint on those who choose to live their life “exposed” to the world, but as a human being and an intelligent one at that, I have become very observant and what I saw this week – while not something I hadn’t seen before – was unforgivable.

During my years in confining spaces, I occasionally would venture out to see the world with another pair of eyes… looking for inspiration, gratification and maybe a little confirmation that I could pull it off.  What I also found was fear.  Fear of what would happen if I were caught, discovered or outed.  So while my outings were more successful, they were also very lonely and that is what I saw yesterday morning.  What I also saw was fear and hate.  Hate directed at what people feared because they didn’t understand.

I often get up before the sun does and usually do my grocery shopping since I it’s quiet and I usually don’t have to stand in line.  I got up and headed to the store and usually run into the same workers and a few of the same shoppers.  One in particular was a young transgender woman.  I see her all the time and learned a lot about her without actually speaking to her.  She was transgender (as evident from her mannerisms and appearance) and worked late nights as a customer service rep or telemarketer (this was due to the badge she wore from a company I have done business with).  Now don’t misinterpret my observation skills for stalking – the more you see someone them more you pick up on certain clues.  What confirmed my suspicions was her voice.  It was deep than most of the women I knew.  I consider myself somewhat friendly especially when people are friendly to me, but I can be a total bitch when I need to.  This young lady and I almost never spoke except for the occasional “good morning” and “excuse me”.

Anyway, yesterday I spotted her as I was marking things off the grocery list.  she was at a distance and I quickly dismissed her as I moved down another aisle.  As I was picking things off the shelf, I noticed one of the “stockers” coming down the aisle to speak with another employee.

“Hey, did you see that fag down in produce?” one of them said.

“Yeah that tranny comes in here all the time.” the other said, “He can’t come in here during the day so he gets all dressed up to come here at night.”

When I heard that, I tried to let it go and continued with my shopping, but deep down I was seething.  I moved down a couple more aisles and eventually the young woman and I met up in the bread aisle.  I greeted her as I greet everyone who comes close… with a quick and subtle “Good morning.” she reciprocated and went on with the rest of our shopping.  When I finished up, I decided to make it clear that I was unhappy with how uncomfortable I felt listening to these two talking about one of their valued shoppers, but I didn’t get the chance.  As I turned into the lane to pay for my full basket, I turn and watched the two workers following the young woman who was now crying as she dropped her small handheld basket and left the store.

I quickly told the cashier to forget ringing anything up and I would return shortly.  I walked over to the men who had now picked up the basket she had and took it from them.  I walked to the same cashier and asked her to ring up the ten items she had in the basket.  When she asked if I was going to pay for the items in my basket, I told her that I wouldn’t be and I would return in a few minutes to  talk with the manager.

I walked out of the store with two bags and headed to the bus stop where I saw her sitting and trying to recover.  I told her that I saw what happened and took care of her groceries.  While I initially refused to let her pay me the twenty six dollars, I could tell she was very independent and would feel worse for accepting a handout.  I went to shake her hand and instead got a hug from her.  I then walked back into the store.

The store owner who I had seen dozens of times was waiting for me and I explained to him what I saw and he assured me that he would take care of it.  I explained to him that disciplining the workers is not the only issue and he should educate them instead.  Then the manager said something I couldn’t believe.

“Educate them?  What do you mean?” he asked.

Apparently, I didn’t explain myself clearly enough.  I tried to keep the young woman’s dignity in tact by referring to her as a woman, but the store owner either never understood or was so naive that he never took stock in his regular customers.

“The woman is transgender and the workers had no right to treat her the way they did.” I explained.

The store owner took a moment to formulate a response and said, “I will talk with them about this.  I do want you to know that we do reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.”

I couldn’t believe it.  He missed the entire point.  I thought about saying – you can refuse service to anyone you like.  What you can’t do is put people in fear or danger by verbally abusing them.

That is what I wanted to say, but instead I stooped to his level and said, “Well then add me to the list, because I won’t be coming back.”

I shopped at this tiny little grocery store because it took me back to my younger days was welcoming with a family atmosphere – or so I thought.  I don’t know if “Tracy” will continue to shop there, but I certainly won’t be back.

If you are going to hate something then hate what you understand and not what you fear.  I once thought hate should be removed, but realized that it cannot be.  We often look to hate because we fear being harmed in some way, which is misguided.  I have learned that there are things I hate and people no matter who they are – are not something to hate.

You can hate a lot of things.  Poverty, anxiety, depression even stupidity, but don’t hate those that resemble these things… understand that these individuals have made choices in their lives that should be respected… not feared and not hated.

Desires and Risks… Tough choices for #girlslikeus

decisions… DecisionsDECISIONS.

The thoughts of the last few days have created a quandary for me.  I released a new book that has gotten some very nice reviews so far, which is obviously rare for the genre I write about.  What’s strange this one is that it brings me to a crossroads.  I started writing because I needed a release and it was very therapeutic.  It eventually became a drug and very addictive, but more for the motivating stories that popped into my head and less about the sexual gratification.

In the past, this usually came full circle.  Depression, therapy, motivation, gratification then back again.  The hard part now is that I want more.  My friends have suggested that I crossover from a smut writer to a more “traditional” fiction writer and possibly use my real name.  The thought of moving to the lighter side of fiction was intriguing, but using my real name was terrifying.  Using it meant revealing more than I ever wanted to and could jeopardize my life.

This is not uncommon for anyone living in secret as a transgendered man or woman, but for someone who still feels shame, humiliation, confusion, fear and isolation… it can be overwhelming and can put you on the edge of the blade.  Which brings me to the suggestion that was made recently.

I wrote an autobiography a few years ago as many of you know.  The book was my first and was horribly written because I simply took my journals and threw them together.  I added some graphic memories and tried not to fictionalize them, but after over 30 years, it became difficult to tell a story when pieces of it were missing.  The book didn’t sell and I eventually pulled it off Amazon.

A few months after that, I figured out that Goodreads doesn’t pull books off that easily and it stayed out there for a while creating a little bit of buzz.  The book description prompted a number of questions and direct messages from the LGBTQ community, weirdos and parents asking where they could get a copy of it.  I didn’t feel comfortable at the time and chose instead to respond to each request individually – hoping I could answer the real questions without giving up too much of myself.

After the release of this latest novel My Perfect Partner, a great friend made a comment that the book had some true life experiences that I shared with her; and another friend who has been a great mentor and inspiration to me as a writer suggested I revise the biography and re-release it.  Difficult choices to have that include some risk, but anyone who has skeletons in their closet – whether “normal” or a little bit different – have to deal with risks everyday.

I guess the real question is what to do next.  I work alongside people of all walks of life and those who seem content with their lives are those I tend to shy away from.  I am always looking ahead and trying to be better than I am today.  I am drawn to risk and challenges, but this one is one of the hardest ones to make.

Do I re-release the autobiography?  Do I use my real name?

This may seem like a couple of easy answers… if I am not willing to use my real name, then releasing my autobiography is not that hard of a decision and doesn’t seem like that big of a risk.  The tougher questions are…

Am I considering a re-release to tell the real story or is it just to try and make money?

The money is not really a concern.  If you follow independent writers, you already know they don’t make a lot of money and many don’t write for the financial gain.  The first release as I mentioned was a release for me.  It was a way of talking to someone who was willing to listen and understand.  That someone was my wife, who really never knew about my past in graphic detail.  After she read it, she understood but never really wanted to talk about it again.  That was enough for me, but now I think it may be a good idea to take another stab at it and see if anyone else is willing to offer an opinion.  Whether you are connected to it in some way, for it or against it.  Maybe the story just needs to be told.

What do you think?

My Perfect Partner

My Perfect Partner

Available in Paperback & KindleUnlimited
July 20th

A couple struggling to make ends meet is taking its toll on their relationship.  As a result they decide to separate for a while to try and get their careers on track, but while Brenda’s career is moving up, Jim’s is spiraling down the drain.  His frustration and extended time off lands him at a goth bar where he meets Olivia, who sees something in him and tries to help him see his mistakes, by teaching him how the other half lives.

His experimentation reinvigorates Jim and his new found focus has carried over to his career as his work ethic has been noticed by his boss, his colleagues and his wife Brenda.  As the two try and patch things up, Jim is very secretive about the change in him which has Brenda suspicious so she follows him and discovers his secret. Outraged and humiliated, she decides to show him just how different she can be as she  forces Jim to carry out his secret fantasy into a reality he is not ready for.