The holiday season is always looked upon as a happy time filled with family and friends. I haven’t seen my family in years. In fact, I haven’t really seen anyone in a very long time. I left home when I was seventeen. Kinda had to. Not just because I was headed off to college, but also because I made a decision that no one wanted to hear. No one expected. That no one could accept.
I had known for some time that I was different; although, I didn’t understand the differences without the help of my older sister. She always seemed to understand and she and I tried very hard to stay close after I left. In fact, she’s the one who helped me find the courage to tell my folks that I was different and helped me financially when my parents rejected me.
Now I am older. I have a great job working as a web developer. My life has purpose and there is an order to things for me now, although I don’t really have any close friends and could never really solidify a close relationship. So as you might have guessed, I tend to be pretty lonely and I fight the depression every day.
I got an email from my sister letting me know that my brother was coming back from overseas and due to his injuries was being discharged from the service. My brother and I didn’t really spend a lot of time together. Being the younger brother, it wasn’t from his lack of trying, but I tried very hard to keep him away. My sister wanted to see if I would meet him at the airport and drive him home. There was no way I could do this – to much had happened and I was no longer the same person everyone remembered. I decided to do something I thought I could never do… call her.
“Abby?” I asked as she answered the phone.
“Alex?” she responded recognizing my voice.
“Yeah, it’s me,” I replied.
“Oh my god, how are you doing?” she asked, “Did you get my email?”
“I’m doing okay,” I said, “I got your email.”
“Isn’t it exciting?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said in a very quiet tone, “What happened to Aaron?”
Abby filled me in on what happened to our brother and the details on when he would be home. She also filled me in on what was going on at home now that dad had finally retired and she and mom had done quite a bit of traveling. While it was great to catch up with my sister, I really needed to cut to the chase and see if there was someone else who could deliver my brother home.
“Abby, is there any way someone else could take him home?” I asked.
“Why? You live right there and it would be great to see my little brother?” she replied.
“It’s not that simple anymore. Too much time has passed and I am not sure I would be welcomed back home.” I explained.
“That’s crazy,” she said, “Mom talks about you all the time.”
“… and Dad?” I asked.
“Look it might have helped if you reached out to him and tried to talk to him,” she said.
“Look I just don’t think it is a good idea,” I said.
“Aaron is looking forward to seeing you,” she said, “If you can’t bring him home at least meet him at the airport and I know he wants to see you.”
“I know, I’ve gotten emails from him,” I said.
I agreed to meet him at the airport and arranged for a car to drive him back to my folk’s house. My sister emailed Aaron and me giving him all of the arrangements and Aaron responded with his excitement. The plan was somewhat simple. My folks knew he was injured and would be coming home, but Abby planned it so he would come home for Christmas instead of February, as they believed. The hard part for me was facing my brother. Any amount of time would be very difficult.
For the next three weeks, I stewed over the position I put myself in. Outside of emails, I got from him, I hadn’t seen my brother in almost five years. Recognizing me was the least of my worries. What do I say to him? How do I explain the situation with our parents? In a way, I was hoping I was unable to go through with it. A sudden illness or last-minute emergency became the thought of the day as the date of his arrival approached.
I finally decided that I would just go through with it and meet him. If nothing else I would get to see my brother – even if it was to see him step through the jetway and then get in the car to head home. So, I got ready and went to the airport. I made up a sign with Aaron’s name on it so he would spot me. I waited down in baggage claim and watched as several people walk by. Then I saw him.
Walking on crutches with a skycap helping him with his bag. As he looked around for his brother, I slowly lifted the sign. He took one look at me and slowly came closer. I just kept my head down far enough to where I could still see him. He was then in front of me.
“Alex?” he asked.
I looked up at him with tears in my eyes, “Hi Aaron.”
He then dropped the crutches and threw his arms around me picking me up off the ground.
“Oh my god, it is so great to see you,” he said.
I was overwhelmed. I just started balling as he held me. After putting me down, I took the bag from the skycap and we walked over towards the pickup area.
“Wait, Alex,” he said.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, but I haven’t seen my sister in over five years,” he replied, “Can we talk?”
SISTER? I couldn’t believe he called me that. I never thought he could accept it growing up so attached to my dad who could never come to grips with the fact that I was different. I thought for sure he would at the very least walk away from me when he saw me dressed as I was. Wearing a brown mini skirt, with matching tights and ankle boots and a black sweater that was covered by a black parka. We walked over to the coffee shop in the airport and talked. Really talked. Not like we did over email learning about how things were for him overseas; Aaron wanted to know how I was.
“How have you been?” he asked.
“Good,” I said, “not perfect, but I am okay.”
“Seeing anyone?” he asked.
“No, just sticking to the routine… you know work – home… home – work.” I said jokingly.
“How’s everyone back home?” he asked.
I explained to him that I really didn’t know anything other than what our sister Abby told me. He then moved back to me.
“So, can I ask when all of this happened?” he asked.
“About the time I left home,” I replied.
“You know what I mean,” he said.
“I know.” I said, “It is not complete and before you ask I haven’t had surgery.”
“Oh. Okay,” he replied, “I thought maybe you had. I mean you look fantastic.”
“Nope, it is still me. All the same equipment, just in a different package.” I explained.
We continued to talk as it began to snow outside. I didn’t want to hold him up since he had a long trip on the road ahead of him. Aaron wasn’t happy that I wasn’t joining him.
“You need to come home,” he said.
“In time I hope I can,” I said.
“Why not now?” he asked.
“This is supposed to be a happy time for Mom and Dad. Their son is coming home.” I explained, “I don’t want to spoil their surprise.”
“Yeah, but the family is not complete unless you’re there too,” he said.
“I don’t really think I would be welcome,” I said.
“Because you are now a girl?” he asked.
“Not just that. They have an image of Alex. That image is gone.” I said.
“But Alex isn’t,” he said.
We continued to agree to disagree and we headed out to his car. The driver took his bag and put it in the trunk as I helped my brother into the back seat. Before he left, he made one more attempt.
“Promise me you will try and come to Christmas dinner day after tomorrow?” he asked.
“I’ll try,” I said, “No promises, but I will try.”
He reached up and kissed me on the cheek and I shut the door and watched him drive away. I just broke down. I never expected the events of the last two hours. I never expect my brother to accept me – the REAL me. I couldn’t help it, I got to the car and before I left the parking garage, I just kept crying. I “manned-up” and pulled myself together and texted my sister, Abby – letting her know her brother was on his way.
I got to my apartment about an hour later. Exhausted from the excitement and abnormally long drive home, I dropped my purse and Aaron’s sign and laid on the couch and fell asleep.
I woke the next morning staring at the tiny Christmas tree I set on the table watching the lights flicker, I thought of my family and how happy they must be knowing their boy was home. I got up and made me a cup of coffee and turned on the TV. Flipping through channels trying to find something other than a football game or holiday movie; when I gave up, I decided to go change and plan out the rest of my Christmas Eve day.
After changing into a comfortable pair of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, I straightened up around the apartment, put a small turkey breast in the oven and went to my favorite spot. The window in my bedroom had a nice view of the park across the street. The snow was still coming down, but it was very calming and peaceful. It was something I needed. I then noticed in the parking lot a truck pulling in with a huge Christmas tree in the back. I almost pee-ed myself when I saw my parents, Abby and Aaron get out of the truck.
What was I going to do? I closed the curtains and peeked out from the side and watched them untie the tree. Then I heard a knock at the door.
“Good, you’re up.” Aaron said, “Come on, get your coat and come give us a hand.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“You weren’t coming home, so we’re having dinner here,” he said.
“What did you tell them?” I asked.
“I told them I wanted to have everyone together for the holidays,” he said.
I reluctantly put on my coat and boots and walked out to the truck. My sister and mother initially didn’t recognize me. My long blond hair was an unexpected surprise. They very quickly walked up to me, hugged me and followed my brother up to my apartment. Dad, on the other hand, recognized me almost immediately.
“Hi Dad,” I said.
“Can you untie the rope on the other end?” he asked.
“Sure,” I said as I walked around to the other side.
“Wait a minute,” he said as he threw the rope in the bed of the truck. “I can’t do this.”
“I can take care of it Dad,” I said.
“That’s not what I mean,” he said.
I wasn’t sure what to say. What was he talking about? Was he trying to apologize? I could tell he was struggling. He walked to the back of the truck and sat on the tailgate. I walked around and sat next to him.
“I’m sorry Alex,” he said.
“It’s okay, Dad,” I replied.
“No, It’s not.” he said, “You were in pain and I couldn’t take that pain away.”
“Dad, I needed to find my way,” I said.
“It didn’t have to be this way though,” he said.
“Maybe not, but you’re here now.” I replied, “and that’s a start.”
“Is there anything you need?” he asked.
“I have all I need right here,” I said as I held his hand.
He then put his arm around me and we hugged each other, then carried the tree up to the apartment. Arguing the entire way up – as we always did. When we got upstairs, I noticed that while Aaron was sitting on the couch watching the football game, my mom and Abby were re-arranging my kitchen and took my turkey breast out of the oven in favor of the huge turkey they brought with them.
“Okay, quit stalling and go get dressed,” my mother said.
I walked to the bedroom and stared at my closet wondering what to wear. As I was trying to pick out something that was not too flashy, my sister walked in and closed the door.
“You should have told me,” she said as she hugged me.
“I didn’t know how Abby,” I said.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“I am now,” I replied, “How are Mom and Dad REALLY doing?”
“Mom has questions and I think you know how Dad is now,” she said.
“Do me a favor and let’s just try to enjoy the day.” I explained, “I am not sure I can handle a lot of questions and I don’t want everyone to feel uncomfortable.”
“The questions come later, today is about just being together,” she said.
She then looked in my closet and pulled out the perfect outfit, my pale blue skirt, and a white top.
“Now go get ready,” she said.
I just smiled at her as she walked back out to the living room. I got ready and as I was fixing my hair, I heard my dad calling me. Impatiently waiting for me so he could eat. I put on my shoes, took a deep breath and stepped out to the living room. Everyone just stared at me. I never even noticed the huge tree in the corner that they set up and decorated. I thought to myself that it was way too much to take in and was about to turn around and go back to the bedroom.
“Finally, we can eat.” Dad said, “I swear you women have to have a better concept of time.”
We all just laughed and as I walked over to the table, Aaron met me and put his arm around me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. As I walked towards the kitchen to help my mom and Abby, I was shooed away and told to sit at the table. Before I turned around, my Mom just dried her hands and reached out to hug me.
“I really hope you’re happy, Alex,” she said.
“I am, Mom,” I replied.
“Now go away. Go sit down,” she instructed.
I sat between my brother and my dad and we enjoyed Christmas dinner together. After dinner, while Dad and Aaron sat in front of the TV, Mom, Abby and I sat in my bedroom and I tried very hard to answer all of her questions – as clearly and quietly as I could. Abby didn’t seem too interested and spent most of her time in my closet asking me if she could borrow outfits. Mom, on the other hand, was focused on me. Never letting go of my hand, she asked me if this was something I really wanted; if I had started to transition or already had surgery; she even went as far as to ask if I had a boyfriend. I don’t think it was about the answer, but more about just having me close by and having time to catch up. Abby then stepped out into the living room leaving Mom and me alone together.
“Your brother’s right,” she said.
“About what?” I asked.
“You look so beautiful,” she said.
I just looked down at her hand holding mine and said, “I know it is not what you were hoping your son would turn out to be.”
“All I ever want for you is that you are happy,” she said.
As I started to tear up, she wiped the tear from my face and jokingly said, “Don’t cry, you’ll mess up your make-up.”
We continued to talk for a little while longer then it was time to go. It was probably the hardest part of the evening. Dad tried to give me some money and I told him I was fine and didn’t need it.
He then hugged me and said, “If you need anything you call… do you understand?”
“I understand Dad,” I replied.
He then walked back downstairs and I watched them drive away. I came back up to the apartment and as I was putting things back where I normally had them, I noticed a small box on the coffee table, with a note underneath. I opened the box to find a shell casing.
The note was from Aaron and read, “This bullet caused my injuries, but time heals all wounds. Don’t allow your bullet to remain inside of you – it takes longer to heal that way.”
I was adrenalized by the visit. I decided it was time to really put things to rest. I grabbed my purse and went and did some last-minute shopping.
The next morning, I got up early and really dressed to impress. I picked out my favorite red dress, put on my black tights and black high heels and after spending enough time fixing my hair and makeup, I got in my car and drove two hours to my folk’s house. As I got closer I recognized some of the old hangouts I spent time at. The school, the park even the old convenience store we used to play video games at.
As I parked the car in front of the house, I got really nervous, but nothing was going to stop me this time. I got out of the car and grabbed the bags filled with gifts and walked up to the door.
I rang the doorbell and waited as Abby opened the door. Excited to see me, she invited me in and I was mobbed by my folks and brother Aaron. It was really great being home and it was nice to see everyone open the cheap gag gifts I got them, but it wasn’t just the family that was at the house. Aaron’s longtime girlfriend and Abby’s boyfriend were also in attendance – and a friend of Abby’s that was not able to go home because of the weather.
Quietly, I spoke with Aaron and Abby to make sure everything was okay with their “other halves” and I was not going to be a problem for them. The last thing I wanted was for them to be uncomfortable.
The day was, for the most part, was pretty enjoyable. Aaron’s girlfriend complimented my dress and asked where I got my shoes but never asked anything personal. Abby’s boyfriend basically ignored me the entire time, which was fine with me. Her friend, however, was a little creepy.
“What’s up with your friend Brian?” I asked.
“He’s a little down because he wanted to go home.” She said.
“I get that, but he keeps staring at me,” I said.
“Why don’t you go ask him?” She replied, “He is kinda cute though isn’t he?”
I just dismissed her and went back to the kitchen to help my mom. As the evening started to come to a close, Aaron and his girlfriend left to go spend time with her family and Abby and her boyfriend were heading to his parents as well. Abby said her friend Brian didn’t live too far away and as they were leaving I noticed he was planning to walk home in the snow.
“Hey Brian,” I said, “Let me give you a ride home.”
“No, it’s okay, I can just walk,” he replied.
“It’s crazy out here, let me give you a ride,” I said.
He reluctantly came back and got in my car and proceeded to guide me to his apartment which was not as nearby as Abby led me to believe. As we fought the snowy roads, Brian remained pretty quiet and looked very uncomfortable. I tried having a conversation with him, but I mostly got one-word answers. I knew Abby said something to him about me, but I wanted to make sure I was not the reason he was so nervous.
“Do I make you feel uncomfortable?” I asked.
“No,” he replied almost sarcastically.
“You just seemed to be a little nervous around me,” I said.
“No,” he said, “It’s not you.”
“Okay, good to know,” I said and kept driving down the road.
“It’s just that I am curious about something.” He immediately said.
“Okay, what about?” I asked.
“You’re a guy right?” he asked.
“What exactly did Abby tell you?” I asked so I could try and clear up the confusion.
“She said you were a guy and now you’re a girl.” He said.
“Okay,” I replied.
“So do you have a penis?” he asked.
“Well, that’s not personal, is it?” I replied sarcastically, “Listen, I made a choice a long time ago to live like this. If she hadn’t talked to you ahead of time, what would you have thought?”
“I don’t know that you were her sister.” He replied.
“Okay, then does it matter what equipment is under the hood?” I asked.
“What if I wanted to date you?” he asked.
“Do you?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he said, “Do you date guys?”
“I have,” I replied.
“What’s that like?” he asked.
“I don’t know what’s it like for you to date girls?” I replied.
“I don’t know, we hang out, have dinner, you know… date,” he said.
“Not much difference there.” I explained, “I hang out, I eat, you know… DATE.”
“Do you have sex?” he asked.
“Is it that important to you to know all this?” I asked.
“I’m sorry, I was just curious,” he replied.
“If you are asking if I have had sex with a guy, the answer is yes but it was a long time ago,” I said.
“Why not now?” he asked.
“Because I haven’t found that someone special in my life,” I replied.
We pulled into the apartment complex and up to the building. He thanked me for the ride and then did something unexpected.
“Do you think I could call you sometime?” he asked.
“Sure,” I replied and texted him my number, “Hey, hang on a sec.”
“What’s up?” he asked.
“I don’t want you to think I am some freak who gets off on all this.” I explained, “I live this way because I truly believe this is who I was meant to be. I hope you can understand that.”
“Thanks, I think I do,” he said as he shut the door of the car and walked to his apartment.
I drove back to my apartment and started to get back into the daily routine. I had cleaned up a little and was pulling some laundry together to go to the cleaners in the morning. I then poured a glass of wine and sat down on the couch and was watching TV when my phone rang.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Alex? It’s me, Brian,” he said.
“Hi, Brian,” I replied.
“Are you busy?” he asked.
“No, what’s up?” I replied.
“I wanted to apologize for earlier,” he said.
“Don’t worry about it. You were curious and Abby probably didn’t help.” I said.
“Yeah, I guess so.” He said.
“Was there something else?” I asked.
“Umm, yeah… Do you think we can hang out some time?” he asked.
“Sure, just understand, it will take a while,” I said.
“That’s okay,” he said, “I can go over there if that is okay with you.”
“Whatever makes you feel comfortable,” I replied.
“Okay, cool,” he said.
After we got off the phone, I immediately called Abby to find out what was going on.
“Abby, what the hell is up with Brian?” I asked.
“What’s wrong?” she replied.
“I gave him a ride home and he asked a bunch of questions, then he just called me and asked me out,” I said.
“Great, he’s a really nice guy.” She said.
“What exactly did you tell him?” I asked, “I am not looking for a boyfriend.”
She proceeded to tell me that he has been having some issues and she thought he was gay so she thought I could help him out and maybe the two of us would hit it off.
“I am not sure he really is gay.” I said, “and even if he was, it doesn’t mean I am going to instantly hit it off with him.”
Aggravated, I finished talking to Abby, making it clear that I am not going to hurt him, but I am not going to be his booty call either.
Brian and I set a time for the day before New Year’s Eve to have lunch at a restaurant close by. I knew this was not going to be a normal date. Brian was like a toddler with a ton of questions, so I figured we would have lunch and then leave and head to the park or my apartment so he could ask any questions he wanted to ask without feeling uncomfortable.
Lunch went as expected, very quiet. We walked down through the park and again he didn’t really seem comfortable, so I asked him if he wanted to go to my place and we could talk. He agreed so we walked back to the apartment and sat down on the couch, where he really didn’t ask much. I was starting to get the impression he was thinking about something else and not concerned with how I live my life.
Things got a little awkward when we sat there and watched TV. He never really said anything and a few times I got up and went to the kitchen and came back and he never noticed I got up. I finally got fed up and confronted him.
“Can I ask you something?” I asked.
“Sure.” He replied.
“What were you hoping for out of today?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“Were you expecting something to happen?” I asked.
I could tell he was starting to get nervous, so I know I was getting close to the truth.
“It would make it easier if you just told me what you wanted,” I said.
“Really?” he asked excitedly.
“I am not saying I can give it to you, but at least it would better than bottling it up inside,” I explained.
I could see him fighting the temptation to ask, but I moved closer to him and put my hand on his.
“It’s okay, you are not going to shock me,” I said.
He leaned over and whispered in my ear, “I want to be like you?”
I was absolutely floored. I was expecting him to say he wanted to have sex or something like that but never expected that.
“Well, I stand corrected.” I said, “Can I ask how long you have thought about this?”
“For a long time?” he said.
“So you want to dress in women’s clothes?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied.
“Do you want to be a woman?” I asked.
“I don’t know, but I always wanted to know what it was like to be loved like one.” He replied.
“Have you ever had sex with a man?” I asked.
“No,” he replied.
“Do you want to?” I asked.
“If they are as beautiful as you, I think so.” He replied.
When I asked him what he wanted to do, he never hesitated. He wanted everything a woman could give him and everything a man could give him. Something inside me said “send him home”, but I thought if I rejected him, he might go look elsewhere and get hurt. Something I experienced years ago.
“You have to promise me something,” I said.
“Okay,” he replied.
“If we do this nothing that happens leaves this apartment.” I demanded, “If you say anything, I will deny it.”
“Okay, I promise.” He replied.
I took him by the hand and took him to the bedroom where I sat him on the bed and kept him away from the mirrors. I learned long ago the first look is not always the best. I took my make-up bag and placed it on the bed, then opened the dresser and pulled out a couple of things I thought he could fit into.
“From this point on you will do what I tell you to do, agreed?” I asked.
“Agreed.” He replied.
“If you want to stop you just go to the bathroom and I will give you space to clean up and get dressed and go,” I explained.
“Okay,” he replied.
I instructed him to get undressed. As he took off his man clothes I folded them neatly and took them to the bathroom. Once he was completely naked he sat on the bed and we were ready to begin.
“Here, put these on,” I said as I handed him a pair of panties.
While he began putting the cotton panties on I continued handing him other things to put on – a garter belt and nylons and a red teddy I hadn’t worn in a long time. After helping him fasten the nylons to the garter belt, I had him put on a pair of my low heel slippers. I stood him up and watched as he struggled to walk in them. I could see him getting frustrated so I had him take off the shoes.
You could see him really starting to get excited. Every now and then out of the corner of my eye, I could see him trying – and failing – to move and act like a woman. I never said anything to him, because I didn’t want him to become uncomfortable.
I was preparing to apply make-up to him but he walked up behind me while I was bent over and pressed his body to mine. He turned me around and kissed me.
“I want you,” he said.
“What do you want?” I asked.
“I want you to suck my man pussy.” He said.
So I squatted down in front of him and pulled his panties down far enough to expose his cock. He put his hand on the back of my head and pressed me closer to him so I pulled back and grabbed hold and immediately began sucking him.
“Oh, that’s it… suck that cock, baby.” He said.
I continued sucking as he continued to moan. I then reached around and started to squeeze his ass. He started to tense up so I knew he didn’t want me to stop. I then reached up from behind and began fingering the opening of his anus. He immediately pulled back and fell onto the bed.
“Sorry about that.” I said, “Maybe we should stop.”
Without saying a word, he stood up and then pulled me up and threw me on the bed. He grabbed my legs and pulled down my panties and grabbed a hold of my cock and began pleasuring me.
“Oh. Oh, OH god.” I mumbled.
“You like it when I suck on your little man pussy, don’t you.” He said.
“Oh yes… yes,” I replied.
He then began sticking his finger in my butt hole and again I groaned out in pleasure.
“Oh that feels so good,” I said, “Don’t stop… Ooohhh, come on baby, treat me like a lady.” I said.
It had been a long time since I had been pleasured like this. I was totally in his hands, and in his mouth. He then popped up and flipped me over and pulled me up and without warning took his rock hard cock and slammed it inside me.
I screamed out uncontrollably, begging him to slow down.
“Easy baby,” I said, “you have to go slow.”
“Fuck you whore,” he said, “I am going to fuck you until you bleed.”
“No, stop… uh…. uh,” I said, “OOOWW… uh… uh, it hurts.”
“Shut up you faggot,” he said.
“Please stop… uh… uh…” I screamed.
“I’m cumming inside you sissy faggot.” He said as he leaned over to the back of my head.
I knew I was in trouble as he continued to plow me until he came inside my ass. When he was done, he began taking the clothes off and became a completely different person.
“Well, I guess you figured it out didn’t you,” I said.
He never said anything as he was getting dressed. He looked over at me a few times as I was trying to clean up. Somewhere along the lines, I think he felt sorry for me again and tried to comfort me. At this point, I was having none of it.
“I think you better go.” I said, “I would also suggest you leave Abby alone too.”
He just looked at me with an uncaring look.
“You don’t want me to tell them you raped me do you?” I asked, “I won’t say anything as long as I never see you again.”
He then walked out and I sat on the bed, still sore and tried recovering until the next morning.
I got out of bed carefully in the morning and after a long hot shower, I cleaned up the bedroom and living room that Brian trashed on his way out. I then got a call from Abby.
“Did you and Brian go out?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Come on girl, I want details.” She said.
“Not much to tell,” I said.
“You sound like Brian,” she said.
“Oh, what did he have to say?” I asked.
“He said the same thing, you guys had lunch and hung out and then he left,” she said.
“Well, if that is what he said,” I replied.
“Why do I think you are not telling me something?” she asked.
“I don’t know, but I don’t think I will be seeing Brian again,” I said.
“Why not?” she asked.
I thought about it for a quick second and said, “Just not interested in having more confusion in my life.